It seems Life has done quite a bit of changing as of late, and has left me just kinda “riding the wave” which should make my mother proud. I’m no longer trying to control things … at least not until I watch how this machine is functioning. Once I get a good handle of how it’s operating NOW, I plan to jump in and do my best to bend it according to my will. But I know better than to jump in prematurely. Until I figure out the current direction and velocity, I’m easy like Sunday morning.
However, despite this “why fight it?” mentality, there are some scenarios which bring me great distress and it really bothers me. Last week, I spent Wednesday through Sunday submerged in family. We got married on Saturday (which will be covered in great detail later), so for 3 days prior there were many preparations being made, introductions to the City Boy’s family as they trickled into town, fretting about wedding protocol and the like.
I cannot express how wonderful it is to be involved with my family nowadays. It has been a long time coming, but these past two years of civility and harmony have been so great! But when I’m completely surrounded by them, I suffer from an almost constant internal “freak out mode”. I feel claustrophobic; I feel judged; I feel trapped and muted, like no one can hear me. And, then I feel guilty for having these thoughts. It’s an awful cycle.
The truth is, it bothers me much more than I would ever admit verbally that I am such at odds with everyone in my immediate family, emotionally speaking. They are all so “alike”. They look at life the same, they all feel the same about their inter-relationships with each other. They have similar opinions on the way the world works, and HOW it should all work. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t all clones of each other but they are actually able to have a conversation with each other where they genuinely agree on most of what the other is saying. Then, enters me. They don’t really know how to take me: me, with my opposing views, my passionate opinions on many topics, my incomprehensible lack of emotions (according to them, not in reality). My eagerness to buck the establishment of their codes.
So, I find myself either in a chronic state of defending my position, or uncomfortably internalizing all my thoughts, which only mushrooms into a hidden mental meltdown. This undoubtedly results in me retreating to a quiet place in the house, or escaping entirely wishing for nothing more than 900 miles distance between us all, where we can all go back to liking me again. It’s an ugly thing, this pattern. I don’t like it.
I don’t like being so “at odds”. But, on the flip side, I like who I am. And I genuinely like that I am different. I just wish it were more accepted by them, is all. I tire of seeing the sideways glances they slide to each other, “Oh here we go again. Here goes Emily with her crazy thoughts again.” I guess it’s true: there is absolute strength in numbers. It would just be nice to have an ally at times, that’s all.
Now that the baby will be arriving in just 6 months, we are talking more about moving up North in the next two years to be closer to both our families. Despite the fact I will SORELY miss the heat down here, and the sunshine, and the ability to be active outside in December without wanting to hurt someone I know that being nearer to family & friends will be good for not only ourselves, but definitely for our children. And, even though I KNOW we won’t be living in the immediate vicinity of our family, I just wonder how the dynamics will change.
Will I eventually feel more comfortable? Will they ever just get over the fact that I like to argue and look at things different than they do? I hope so. Will they stop focusing on all the things they think are negative about me?
I guess time will tell. The truth is, I love my family. My parents, siblings, brother & sister in law, and my new nephew. I just wish I could visit for a few days without this nagging on my heart. I am fully aware that all of this is not their fault. Maybe my wish is really that it just wouldn’t bother me so much. I just pray that our relationships only continue to grow stronger as we near the time of packing up and moving home instead of the opposite.