Trapped

I ran away from home when I was four.  My mother was trying to force me into a pair of ruffled stockings to wear to church.  I hate ruffles – then, and now.  And I hate being forced to do anything (even at a young age).  This particular struggle resulted in me packing a “suitcase” and high tailing it to my best friend, Lindsay’s front stoop.  She wasn’t home – her family was already at church, and I was greeted by a Daddy Long Leg spider on her front porch.  Dejected (and terrified of the spider), I returned home to face my doom.  Luckily, though I was able to persuade my mother NOT to torture me any further with the concept of ruffled stockings.

The next year I was in Kindergarten.  My mother came to pick me up from class and was greeted by my teacher who pleaded with her NOT to send me to school in the dress I was wearing ever again.  Apparently, I didn’t like the dress and sat at a table and pouted ALL DAY due to the atrocity and injustice of what I was wearing.

Flash forward to high school.  Seriously?  Do I even NEED to tell you how many times I bucked and balked at authority?  I was fully capable of making my own decisions, but yet was subjected to daily treatments of being corralled like cattle into what everyone THOUGHT I should be doing.  I wanted to graduate early, and had the credits to support that move.  I lobbied the principal, the guidance counselor, even my parents.  No one would oblige me.  I was so ready to ditch the institution of high school for a greater education … the biggest objection to my request was that I would later regret missing senior prom, homecoming, graduation, etc.  The “Senior Memories”.  I wasn’t about to give in.  I knew what I wanted, and there was no logical reason for not moving forward with my plans.  I found a school that would allow me to finish my senior year via correspondence.  Ironically, it was the same school Andre Agassi received his diploma.  And, if it’s good enough for Andre, it would be good enough for me.

I paid for the classes, and finally persuaded my mother to sign the forms that would allow me to do this.  I finished my senior year, while taking college courses AND working full-time.  Do I regret it?  Not one damn second of it.

The point of this entire post is that when I lack control over my own circumstances it makes me incredibly anxious and rebellious.  I don’t like not being at the helm of my own life, and right now?  I’m feeling every bit of that angst, and resentment for whatever/whoever is standing in my way.  I want to buck.  I want to scream.  I want to run in the direction that I so choose as appropriate.

The problem however, is that I don’t know which direction to run.  I have this list of pending items that are going on in my life, and none of them are really progressing in any direction.  This wedding.  My new house.  My career.  I am exhausting myself by pushing up against an unyielding brick wall.  And after blistering my hands and feet from all the pushing and getting nowhere, I’m feeling the inevitable outcome of throwing myself on the ground in a puddle of hot, aggravated and frustrated tears.

Suddenly, I’m back to being 4 years old and being told the disgusting phrase, “Because I said so”.  It makes me sick.  It makes me want to scream like a toddler, “That’s not fair!”  But, then what?  The fact is, I’m no longer a child.  I DO have possession of my own life and future.  I am now struggling with my own will … it’s now that I need to reflect on all that is important to me; analyze what I want the outcome to be, and develop a plan that will get me there, despite any obstacles that block my path.

So, that’s where I am today.  Taking stock of where I am, what I want, and coming up with a way to check this goals and objectives off my list, despite the sacrifice and pain that it may cost me.  Why is it that it was easier to muster the courage when I was sixteen than it is now?  Have I gotten lazy?  Complacent? 

Today is the start of that process.  Determine the next hurdle … pick up some momentum and make it happen.

One Response to Trapped

  1. Dandy says:

    I don’t think you’ve gotten more complacent but sometimes its harder to make a decision when you are seeing a bigger picture. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will spend a moment at these crossroads and then leap. And you will land on your two feet.

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